〇 第1段落では、第3文以外は削っても支障なく内容が伝わります。ただし、some of themをそのまま主語にすることは避け、some college studentsなどと書き換えます。
〇 第2段落では、learn about a foreign language through everyday conversationsと、improve their foreign language skillsをまとめて、learn a foreign language from themなどとすることができます。
These days, some college students choose to live with roommates. That way they may be able to receive help with their studies from their roommates or learn a foreign language from them if they are from abroad. However, they may experience inconvenience if their roommates are noisy at night or uncooperative with housework.